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“Forgetting”

cruise ship in Southampton docks

Having a long distance relationship has, as I have talked about before, some rather odd quirks, and the situation presents thoughts and feelings that there would never be the opportunity for in a normal relationship.  I want to keep sharing these little tit-bits because I’m sure there are others out there, perhaps experiencing the same sort of things, that might find this reassuring.

Now, I mean this in the nicest most loving way possible, and I know it will probably be read into in the wrong way by some, but maybe others will understand . . when we are apart for a long time we tend to forget one another.  I don’t mean forget as in completely remove the other’s existence from ones brain, but I’ll be honest, there is only so far that you can stretch that old saying that “absence makes the heart grow fonder”.

It goes a little bit like this . . .

Day 0 the day I see him, after leaving him – Happy, even eurphoric, still buzzing from having seen him and enjoying time together.

Day 1 –  Telling myself I should be grateful for yesterday, holding onto that feeling the tiniest bit – but its not really working, the inner moping begins.

Day 2 – Feeling of loss has well and truly set in, fully moping (inwardly – wouldn’t let others know how I’m feeling) start trying to re-evaluate life – I need a new job, I need a new life, I need to be with Babu – how do we make this happen (this one goes over and over, how do we make this happen!!??)

Day 3 – have usually spoken on the phone to Babu by now, so felling a little better, but begrudging the fact we are back to a phone  relationship, this pisses me off. repeat day 2.

Day 7 – settling back into to the daily drudge, melting back into normal life.  Memories of feelings of being with Babu almost gone.

Day 30 – Any memories of how it feels to be together completely gone, phone relationship in full swing, know he’s there, know we’re in love, but blocking it all out so not to feel sad about it – there, but forgotten. Numb. Hate this.

And so Day thirty turns into day 60, day 90 and if you’re as unfortunate as I was last year, day 144! I do everything I can to try and hold onto to my feelings, the ones that keep me happy, that make me feel so fulfilled by our relationship, but without physically seeing that person it is really hard, believe me.  I have photos, I have videos, I have text messages, emails, and phone calls, but it’s not enough.

Then I start to worry. I can be a bit of a worrier anyhow, but it sets in big time. I start to question – was it real? how much is real and how much is in my head? Do we really love each other or think  we love each other? In other words paranoia sets in! It was at its worst the beginning of the year before my holiday, I’d seen him once for a couple of hours in the space of 7 months so I guess that was pretty understandable.

And after all that worrying, what if we don’t feel the same when we see each other? It’s been a long time, things can change! Then. . . I see him, and within a millisecond everything is fine, every question, worry, doubt is gone! I reprimand myself for thinking as I did.

It’s not just me, he is the same though.  When apart, our lives are busy, and pre-occupying ourselves with thoughts of each other can sometimes be distracting, detrimental to out everyday lives, so as I do, he tries to avoid those thoughts of me, blocks them out.

I tell him I don’t like our phone relationship, he understands.  When on the phone it is always rushed, one of us always has to get back to work because of the way time zones and phone signals work.  A week can often be concentrated into a 40minute conversation  – the good and the bad, and  you just feel in such a rush to squeeze it all in. In reality all you both want is to be sat on a sofa together, in silence, but in each others company, just being.

So why am I telling you about this? Well, I just want to share that, although tough, it is OK.  it’s not nice to “forget” the most important person in your life, but try not to feel bad about it, it’s not your fault, it’s just the situation. And unfortunately for us it will continue to be the situation for a while longer.  At least for us, for the rest of the year, the longest time apart we have should only be about a month. but who knows what the rest of our future holds.

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5 responses to ““Forgetting”

  • pseudointellectualviewpoint

    I think it is the only natural thing to do.
    Hmm can we understand this psychological feeling called love.

  • Sara

    I admire your honesty here, especially as someone who has LDR in her future. My husband and I met here in grad school, but will 99% sure be separated for a year when I finish my last year of training and he starts his first job.

    We went on trips without each other early on, but in the last few years it was only an occasional long weekend without the other. I recently went to a week-long conference, and it was a sort of preview of when we’ll be LD. It was incredibly hard the first few days…and then it seemed a lot easier, at least for me (the pace of the conference also picked up). I still thought about him constantly (oh, A would love this restaurant; oh, I wish A could hear this speaker), and enjoyed our phone times and texts…but the longing diminished pretty quickly in that time period. Don’t get me wrong, I left really early the morning I drove home so I would get to him as early as possible…but it did seem like the beginning was harder than I expected (no elation, because I currently take being with him for granted) and the end of the week was easier than I expected. Thanks for helping me reflect on what I experienced, and what’s to come when we’re truly (short-term) LDR.

    • ria

      I think when you are with someone a lot you can really feel your relationship, when you are apart you simply do  the relationship. And I guess the hardest part is keeping the faith in that relationship going until you meet again.

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