I’m sorry I haven’t been around for a while, I was lucky to have the opportunity to spend 17 nights on board Babu’s ship, and prior to that was working like crazy to get my work tied up before I went.
Unfortunately because of the way his shifts worked, we didn’t get a great deal of time together, yet the time away from my everyday life nevertheless served me well, it put life into perspective once again. Getting away always does good for me however unfortunately the fresh outlook on life I received last time I was away 6 months ago diminished somewhat since, perhaps this time I will try a little harder in making the changes my life so desperately needs.
There are a few things I would like to share with you but I will take them one post at a time.
The first one is the biggy. Me, Babu and what seems like our impossible future.
He was telling me about how, ever since he was a child, he has been shouldering the responsibility and expectation put upon him by his parents and society. The most part to be able to provide for and look after his parents as they proceed into what is considered to be old age. More so he was telling me of the expectations there would be of me, should we marry and me join their family home.
He told me I would be expected to get up early and ensure everyone was fed, ensure the house was cleaned top to bottom every day, cook lunch, a snack in the afternoon and dinner. If there were children, of course I would look after them too. OK. So I take a positive (well, different) point of perspective on this and think about my own family and other British families. In fact, this is probably the norm in most families, I think that it is merely be the fact that he is saying it as opposed to it just happening that freaks me out, maybe it is my rebellious “don’t tell me what to do” side! realistically you will virtually never see my dad cook dinner or clear plates and suchlike. Although at the same time I do query with Babu whether it is a wife or a home help he needs, whether it is a relationship or a free worker.
I told him how even though it sounds much, in reality, I thoroughly enjoy cooking, and the other bits are just part of daily life. For me I wouldn’t be able to eat that food every time, but as long as there are eggs in the cupboard ill be fine, but then he tells me that a few days a week eggs cannot be eaten because they are non-veg – well, I know that an egg that has never been fertilised was never life, but apparently it isn’t seen that way. I queried that he does not follow this, however he tells me he behaves differently in his home, and follows the practices of his parents. There were a few more “you would have to do this, do that, don’t do this or that”s and then I flipped out asking why he is with me and not “Miss generic Indian girl A” if I would be expected to change my whole self for a future in his family?! He tells me he is with me because he fell in love with me, but that doesn’t change the expectation of his parents, just like he conforms to them I would have to also. He told me I would be expected to leave behind and forget everything I know or have ever known, it would be the easiest way to settle, otherwise he thinks I would always long for what I used to have and eventually go back to it – personally I disagree. I guess this is the reason why he keeps telling me I need to think REALLY hard about what I want for the future – with him or not.
Knowing for him, that if it weren’t for the responsibility put on him from his parents his life would be led quite differently, this is all rather hard to swallow. basically leaving us both, mostly me in a very difficult situation.
For me, the idea of staying in the UK, doing my job, living this life, is not what I want, and a new life in india has a certain amount of appeal to it but, not this life he describes, something in the middle however could be ideal.
I asked him if perhaps his thoughts on what his parents expectations would be where maybe inflated and distorted in his mind, he seems to think not – but I also know when we over think things they can sometimes become a little inflated. Short term, i think the most important thing for me to do is factor in a couple of days for my trip to india to visit his parents at hos home, and get a first hand view of his reality.
Like I said to him last night – the most easiest thing for us both would be to let go of each other, but as far as I am concerned, and him, this isn’t going to happen, I don’t give up just like that!
So for now we have no choice but to bumble along as we are, hoping and for him – praying, that something might change. Things will change, a lot has to change in the next few years, I need to leave my job, I need to leave home, Babu will have to eventually finish working on the ships, and whatever else may be around the corner – our fortunes may change one day – who knows. All we know at the moment is that we love each other and we just need to sit tight for a while, carry these weights for a little longer.
And who knows – this could all be a storm in a teacup, there’s still time for a happily ever after yet…..