Is a relationship less valid because it is long distance?


….Of course not, although unfortunately not everyone shares that opinion.

It’s not far off of two years that babu and i have been together now, yet in some people’s eyes, because our relationship is long distance it still doesn’t qualify as a proper relationship. The first example of this came from my mum, I’ll tell you about that in a minute. The second being from a colleague at work, at this point we didn’t know each other too well and she had just joined our team from another in the department. Don’t get me wrong, she’s the sweetest girl ever but at this moment In time her opinion insulted me. We were talking about relationships in general and she says it must be hard for me etc etc, only to continue to ask why i didn’t just get a boyfriend in this country because its much easier – this wasn’t in jest, she was serious. I mean, what do you say to that? I simply asked if she would just dump her boyfriend if the circumstances were a bit difficult. -of course she wouldn’t – “but that’s different” she replied.

About a 6 months ago I found my mum trying to set me up with the son of someone at their local pub – she had shown them a photo I had sent whilst I was away (with babu!) and they had remarked that I was “fit” (for the non-British amongst us that means attractive, by no means does it mean fit this body has never stepped foot In a gym and is very fond of cake!) and since he has his own house and a car apparently, we should get together. I had to remind her that I have a boyfriend thank you very much, to which she replied – “oh but he’s miles away, you want one much closer to home”.

Which brings me to the event that prompted me to write is post. Every Christmas the local fire engine preservation society dress their engine in tinsel and come round the local area collection money and blaring out Christmas tunes. It’s been a traction since I can remember – think of it as the local equivalent of the coca cola truck – it’s not Christmas until its been! Anyway, they got a bit hi-tec this year and got a Facebook page, which my mum (Facebook addict) loved! It can be touch and go if they will do out street or not so since they were open to bribes mum offered them some extra cash and some mince pies (on fb) to come down our road, and so on Monday night, a day earlier then planned they turn up. Of course we lavish them with cash and some of my own recipe mice pies, which they enjoy so much they tell us they’re coming back again the next day! Back to the kitchen it was for me then. The next day I get a mail from mum with a copy of their last Facebook update –
“Nice offerings of mince pies in .. Be back tomorrow.. Oh and you daughters phone number is wanted :-)” which brought a smile to my face since its very flattering, and bragging rights at work that I’d pulled a fireman, but that’s as far as it goes. Not interested, I have a boyfriend who is perfectly lovely. So on the way home from work I call my mum up with the intention if having a giggle about it when she says something that really made me angry, “oh why don’t you take his number, go for a drink or something, you never know” “I have a boyfriend already remember??” Was my instant reply, and the she went on to say that it wouldn’t do any harm, that he might be nice, that Babu and I aren’t a proper relationship since he’s in the other side of the world! – yep, blood was boiling!


Ok ok, it’s not a regular relationship by any means, BUT we still love each other, we still talk on the phone, on Skype, we still share things with each other we wouldn’t with anyone else, we still dream and plan our future together, we still do the same things every other couple do, we just don’t get to do it face to face so often. And yes, we would change it in a heartbeat if we could, and one day we will be In a position to do that.

To address the main concern people give – you’ve not spent enough time together to know what each other is really like – well actually this year alone we have spent just over 60 days in each others company, which for a LDR is pretty good. and believe me, it has been long enough for each others ways and habits to show through and sometimes irritate. Not to motion the hours every day we spent on the phone when he was at home. We’ve got a pretty good idea about each other! Realistically we’re not going to be able to live together before we marry one day – the government and my financial situation together put a stop to any of those kind of thoughts immediately. I have my eyes open, and actually I spent 7 and 5 years living I the pockets of my exes respectively before we figured out those relationships weren’t right, so really that throws that argument out of the window – besides – people marry virtual strangers every day In India – I’m not going to get into discussion about arranged marriage right now – but I just want to reinforce my point!

And besides, if someone starts dating someone in the army, and they head off to a war zone – is their relationship not real? How about the lady at work who’s husband works In the gulf for several months at a time, is their relationship not a proper relationship?

Do people think I purposely chose to put myself in this situation – well, yes, in a way I suppose I did, however, I believe a large amount is down to fate, destiny if I may, was I wrong to pursue this? After that instant strong connection we had upon meeting should we just parted ways a week later and let it be? A couple of days after me met I had wrote about out meeting in my journal, and I had written about how even though we barely knew each other, or even really spoken, the thought of leaving that ship and never seeing him again would’ve killed me – and this was someone not looking for a relationship, and this isn’t my usual approach (before anyone takes the assumption I’m one off these girls who just needs to be loved, no matter who) something about this meeting was pre-planned by someone, something, whatever it is.

What I’m getting at anyway is that it pisses – yes, pisses me off (I don’t really like to swear here but I feel it’s justified) that people don’t take this relationship seriously. This has lead to me pussyfooting around people, softly softly, don’t want to scare the parents. Well, the owner of a company I work closely with, lost his wife two weeks ago to a brain tumor, just under a year ago a perfectly healthy lady In her 50s blacked out, and from that moment forward her life was never the same again. It makes you really think. Life can be short, you never know what is around the corner, I’ve spent too much time padding with cotton wool so not to scare my parents, in fact with very little success. – they still freaked out. that day I found out that lady passed, and left her wonderful husband and daughter behind I realised I need to do what is right for me, for my heart, because one day it might just be too late. I want to please my parents too, but I fear that would eventually be to the detriment of my own happiness, maybe they will meet half way one day, but I can’t keep putting my life an happiness on hold until they do. I really really hope that when the day comes, they will support me, but I guess that if they don’t, no matter how much it hurts I will have to deal with it.


2 responses to “Is a relationship less valid because it is long distance?

  • American Punjaban PI

    You know, if you had married a military man they would not say a word about your separations and such. And to respond to that not having spent enough time together thing, you haven’t spent time with any of these other people she keeps trying to push upon you and she doesn’t seem to think of those men as less real. Also, in any respectable society you’re not expected to live together like husband and wife until after you’re married and you can never truly know someone until you have been married for quite some time. None of their arguments are valid.

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