Is what I managed to throw this last week.
Just lately all I have seen is negative things about India. I am a member of a couple of desi/pardesi related groups, an avid reader of blogs and a follower of indian media and at the moment everything seems to be really negative.
The groups are great, don’t get me wrong, I have met some great and very supportive people there, and have found much of the advice I have received thee priceless, but whatever the subject there is always a cautionary tale.
This negativity and caution, combined with the fact Babu and I hadn’t spoken a great deal lately as we have both been über busy has gradually led me into a state of fear and panic about our future. The plan roughly goes that we will live in the UK for a couple of years then head to India (this is a couple of years away from now too) which I was generally at peace with the idea – yes it’s scary because ultimately it is a complete change from my current lifestyle but I wasn’t against the idea.
So then came the wobbler,everything I had read, seen, heard culminated in me believing that I could never ever live in India, that its too corrupt, dangerous, bad things are going to happen etc etc. which in my head ultimately became a decision between being with Babu or not. I text him asking if he wouldn’t just want to stay in the UK, things would be much easier for us. But considering we have discussed the future countless times he went mad at me; why after we had already made plans was I saying this? It was a fair point. I carried on saying I just don’t know what to do, he was VERY upset. I had let so much negativity spin me into such a state that I had dropped this massive bombshell on him out of nowhere!
The reality? OK so right now I like my life a lot, my job is going well and although I have debts my life is still quite comfortable. But really, my priorities in 3-4 years won’t be the same, I will be thinking of, or may have even started a family by then – my job won’t be so important to me and things change, so that is no reason to sacrifice a relationship I am so sure about. And after all, a job won’t love you back!
Yes, India has corruption, danger, it has its issues, so do a lot of other places, communities in the UK even, but how is it that I am judging a whole country by a small amount of people’s opinions and forgetting the solid things I know about – my relationship, the friendships i have made there – my experiences of the country – the positivity I felt there, how I was almost in tears on the flight hone from there!
I am the sort of person who does her research. I read read read. Anything in my life – I am straight on Google! Often this is great because is makes me knowledgeable, but do you not agree there is such a thing as knowing too much?
What do I know about the day-to-day life of a modern Indian family? NOTHING! Because its not something that is worth writing about maybe, maybe it’s too boring, too happy, not interesting enough, who knows, all I might hear about is if something bad happens to one of this families, see where I’m heading?
After finally talking to babu on the phone on Friday my freak out was diffused. He is still very angry at me, I don’t blame him at all, I know how I would feel if he just tuned around and said he doesn’t know if we will stay together – in fact someone has done that to me before, it’s nasty. So I am giving him space right now and just hoping I haven’t screwed up too much.
From now on I’m going to make an effort to expose myself to and share with you more positive things about India, I want to make it my mission to share the happy stories, one of which will very much be my own.
Take care all, and stay positive… I am xx