A complete wobbler

Is what I managed to throw this last week.

Just lately all I have seen is negative things about India. I am a member of a couple of desi/pardesi related groups, an avid reader of blogs and a follower of indian media and at the moment everything seems to be really negative.

The groups are great, don’t get me wrong, I have met some great and very supportive people there, and have found much of the advice I have received thee priceless, but whatever the subject there is always a cautionary tale.

This negativity and caution, combined with the fact Babu and I hadn’t spoken a great deal lately as we have both been über busy has gradually led me into a state of fear and panic about our future. The plan roughly goes that we will live in the UK for a couple of years then head to India (this is a couple of years away from now too) which I was generally at peace with the idea – yes it’s scary because ultimately it is a complete change from my current lifestyle but I wasn’t against the idea.

So then came the wobbler,everything I had read, seen, heard culminated in me believing that I could never ever live in India, that its too corrupt, dangerous, bad things are going to happen etc etc. which in my head ultimately became a decision between being with Babu or not. I text him asking if he wouldn’t just want to stay in the UK, things would be much easier for us. But considering we have discussed the future countless times he went mad at me; why after we had already made plans was I saying this? It was a fair point. I carried on saying I just don’t know what to do, he was VERY upset. I had let so much negativity spin me into such a state that I had dropped this massive bombshell on him out of nowhere!

The reality? OK so right now I like my life a lot, my job is going well and although I have debts my life is still quite comfortable. But really, my priorities in 3-4 years won’t be the same, I will be thinking of, or may have even started a family by then – my job won’t be so important to me and things change, so that is no reason to sacrifice a relationship I am so sure about. And after all, a job won’t love you back!

Yes, India has corruption, danger, it has its issues, so do a lot of other places, communities in the UK even, but how is it that I am judging a whole country by a small amount of people’s opinions and forgetting the solid things I know about – my relationship, the friendships i have made there – my experiences of the country – the positivity I felt there, how I was almost in tears on the flight hone from there!

I am the sort of person who does her research. I read read read. Anything in my life – I am straight on Google! Often this is great because is makes me knowledgeable, but do you not agree there is such a thing as knowing too much?

What do I know about the day-to-day life of a modern Indian family? NOTHING! Because its not something that is worth writing about maybe, maybe it’s too boring, too happy, not interesting enough, who knows, all I might hear about is if something bad happens to one of this families, see where I’m heading?

After finally talking to babu on the phone on Friday my freak out was diffused. He is still very angry at me, I don’t blame him at all, I know how I would feel if he just tuned around and said he doesn’t know if we will stay together – in fact someone has done that to me before, it’s nasty. So I am giving him space right now and just hoping I haven’t screwed up too much.

From now on I’m going to make an effort to expose myself to and share with you more positive things about India, I want to make it my mission to share the happy stories, one of which will very much be my own.

Take care all, and stay positive… I am xx


6 responses to “A complete wobbler

  • gk84

    Why don’t you try living in india for a year and then decide? I would never move back. I hate the system and I dont feel safe there but some plp love it there. So the best thing to do is, go live there for a year and then u can decide. 🙂

  • Andrea

    There are a lot of negative and positive things about living anywhere. I live in the US, where until Obamacare, my mom could buy a gun but not health insurance. It’s frustrating to see people who have everything whine and complain when people who have nothing are given even the tiniest scrap of what they throw away. But there are a lot of good things about living here too, ease of life, clean roads; I don’t even have to lock my car all the time. Every place is a play of bad and good things.

    But if you haven’t lived in India and you are nervous about it, he should be a bit more understanding, I would think! It was hard for me to move across the country — moving across the world is much harder! You were only there for a short time; just a “honeymoon period.” Why does he get angry about these things instead of talking *to* you and trying to dispel your fears? That’s what worries me. He had no right to be angry. You did not say “I refuse to come there you have to come here or it’s over, I don’t care about our plans.” You expressed your fears. You became vulnerable. And he attacked you for it. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who does that? I’m sorry but it raises a huge red flag for me.

    Give it some time over the next few days and see if he changes his tune or becomes more understanding. And no, it’s not “his culture” to do such things. Do you want to walk on eggshells your whole life, lest one statement or text throw him into a rage because something might not turn out as he planned it?

    • ria

      Unfortunately in this long distance situation we are both guilty of saturated emotions and since we don’t get to talk so much it all comes out at once. So me freaking out slowly built up in the time we hadn’t spoke, as did his disappointment – our plans were virtually made yet out of nowhere I’m freaking out, we both could’ve handled it better, and what I said could’ve been mis-understood in that way as well, I sent it via text which is really bad, certainly against my usual morals!

      Don’t worry, I am forever conscious of these things and am quick to take control and action against any “red flags” this is my future, and I need to be happy otherwise what is the point right!?

  • Martina

    hmmm…maybe you should have an extended stay there first, before making a definite decision. I went to live in India with my then fiance now husband, and it proved very difficult but not for the reasons you have heard about. (we now live in another part of Asia). More for the mundane things, and constant hassles. Re raising children there: think very long and hard. I used to work with/for Indian schools as a teacher/trainer in the Delhi area and there is absolutely no way I will accept that our children will be raised in the Indian school “system”, especially for our daughter given the extreme anti-female bias. Whatever Indians may tell you, there are enormous problems with education there, especially for the pre-primary through primary years. Indians who are successful students achieve because they and their families are cut-throat, studying obsessively, paying for extra private tutoring, bribing teachers and administrators, and so on. If you want your future children to grow up in a child-friendly, creative, caring, open and stimulating environment, you will not find it there. I am not trying to be negative, just realistic.

    • ria

      wow. interesting. and quite sad that things are like that still.

      I hope that one day I will afford to take a career break to go there, but we’ll see, there’s bills that need to be seen to first!

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