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Happily never after

This is probably too early to write this as I don’t yet have closure, but my story started here and so it must also end here.

I am really really sad to be writing this post, but this is life, and maybe it will help me, and even if it doesn’t help me it might help someone else out there not to feel alone in this situation.

Babu spoke to his dad. much earlier than planned, in fact only a couple of months into his leave. – Maybe the time felt right, I don’t know fully as we still struggle to discuss any of it at the moment. He asked his dad if he can marry me. His dad asked if I would live there, he replied no (see this post about why) and then he didn’t say much, in fact he got up and left Babu, and all he could say as he left is pleas give us an answer this week dad.  The answer never came, well, so I thought. For a month, maybe 2 I just assumed the conversation had just been brushed to the side, that they were pretending it hadn’t happened and were carrying on. Well, in the little I do know, I now know this is far from the truth. I know there have been arguments, I know Babu has locked himself away for days going without food so to avoid them. I know that the two times he stayed at a friends the other week weren’t just a social visit.  That’s pretty much all I do know, is that they have had this argument many times, and that they want an Indian girl to stay there and look after them, cook for them, clean for them, care for their general needs, something they can’t get from me.

Honestly, it wasn’t like it was something we completely expected, he mentioned they had been praising me highly in the days before the question was asked – I guess that’s why he thought it a good time to ask maybe – they had accepted me into their home for two weeks last year, they had even sent me gifts (or so I was told).

But no. I asked Babu what they had said, and he told me that they have told him they know best and that he should marry someone of their choosing and forget me, it’s for the best, Apparently.

And so since that day he has still been trying, arguing, failing.

I haven’t been dealing well with the situation, I was diagnosed with depression a few months ago, and my stress eating is so out of control I am almost back to where I was before my fabulous weight loss a while back.

So what now. He seems to be accepting it. but the part I can’t grasp (and probably never will) is that he is VERY unhappy there, he’s spent so many years away from India, away from his family that he has almost (for want of a better word) outgrown it all, he doesn’t fit any more. But despite this, because his culture, his family, his upbringing, religion, I don’t know, but because of something he will accept being unhappy and a future he doesn’t want if it makes his parents happy. End of.

He thinks he has overheard them discussing his marriage, although they have yet to openly discuss anything with him directly, but he feels his time is limited, and so is mine with him.

So, it came to breaking point, no, came to breaking point, I have been having panic attacks, and at dangerous times such as being on the road, and this simply cannot continue like this.

The other night we had a very frank discussion and he told me that whatever he wants or feels doesn’t matter, that he will out his life down for his parents, and if they say to marry someone, he does. The worst part? He loves me, he REALLY loves me, no-one has loved me in the way he does, or cared for me, my welfare or anything like he does, never. And I’ve had 2 relationships that showed me that. But of course he could love me to the stars and back, but Mum and Dad, will always come first. ALWAYS.  He realises now I need closure, and so on Friday he decided, for his peace of mind that he needs to give it one last push, one last chance and ask his dad again, we know the answer, but he felt he needed to do it, so there isn’t that niggling feeling, that what if…? And so, we decided not to speak until a time I was in a position where I was openly able to be upset, I don’t want to be 2 hours away from home when the inevitable happens. The question was supposed to be asked yesterday, and tomorrow my horoscope will be read to me.

It’s now almost 4 days since we last spoke and I’m struggling, but I’ll need to learn to accept this is how it will be as time goes on. We wan’t to remain friends but that will also take time as I’ve never turned love into friendship before, and it’s something in my current state that I can’t grasp.

So there we go, the penultimate part of my story.

I feel a little stupid. But when I told him this he told me even he didn’t expect this outcome, he thought his parents were more forward thinking, and well, less selfish.

We’ve had a beautiful, fun, exciting, adventurous, loving, passionate relationship for 4 years, and I am grateful for the happy times that brought, the memories we made, the love we shared. I’t now that I am very, very sad that that it won’t continue.

My Babu. I love you. I feel I always will. Only time can heal.

And so i’ll finish with some song lyrics that give me comfort. From the musical Wicked, an excerpt from the song For Good.

Rx

I’ve heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you’ll have rewritten mine
By being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better
But because I knew you…

Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good.

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8 responses to “Happily never after

  • Carol

    Dearest Ria I am just reading your post… I am broken-hearted with you, having gone through similar situation. Dear, if you would like to write me privately, please do. Please know I do understand and know what a difficult time this is. All the best to you dear Ria.

    • ria

      Thank you for your kind words, in time I may just take you up on that, for now though I’m just working hard to take each day as it comes (and hiding under my duvet where possible).

      x

      • Carol

        Thanks for your kind reply, dear Ria… you are a beautiful heart and soul and many wonderful blessings are ahead for you. We do come out of these situations eventually…. and from your strong self, dear, I trust you have all you need to have the happiest life. My thoughts and prayers are with you. We know that people who have not been through this really just can’t understand what it is all about…. so again darling, please know I am with you and do understand. Much love and goodness to you, Carol

  • Mileska Rodriguez

    I was thinking of you the other day as I had an e-mail exchange with my ex. It’s tough, believe me I know I’ve been where you’ve been and I ultimately decided that even though I loved him and I knew he loved me I couldn’t wait for his parents to accept me or for him to decide he would just go against his parents wishes.

    I can’t say that we are friends now ( we were together 5 years). We haven’t seen each other in over a year. He is still in my heart though. The time that we spent together wasn’t all bad and he is a good person but the culture difference was something that couldn’t be ignored.

    Please don’t let this get you down. Focus on yourself and try not to make too much contact with him as you will get sad again. Again take time for yourself. I wish you all the best Ria and remember you deserve the best!

    • ria

      Thank you for your kind words, you are proof that one can come out of the other side of this. I am finding it really hard to accept the reality of it all for now but I guess that is something that comes with time x

  • Crystal (My Hindi Heart)

    Oh no… 😥

  • Crystal (My Hindi Heart)

    I want to say something else, and this time, I’m angry. Regardless of culture, if he loves you, he would stand up for you. END OF STORY.
    His parents will eventually accept.

    Being in India IS isolating! It IS lonely! Women are kept inside. Away from other people and especially from other men. It worsens as a foreigner.

    DN’s parents said I was fat, didn’t know about culture and couldn’t speak the language.
    DN’s parents were upset because I went against culture (without realizing it) in one instance, and it hurt our chances of being together.

    I have the desire to stay in India and make it work. I’m learning Hindi, I’ve been learning culture and I can cook Indian food (though not as wonderfully as Indian women).

    I’ve been giving myself hope. Despite DN trying to reassure me that everything will work out.

    He, too, is trying to balance me and his family who doesn’t approve of me. He refuses to go against them, even if he’s sure they will be happy later. He’s still trying to persuade them, and after reading your story I’m terrified of spending all of this time trying, only to have my heart broken.

    I let him read this post and he said, “Wow, what a respectful boy.”
    I said, “It’s not respect, it’s stupid.”
    He replied, “If it’s stupid, then I want to be stupid.”

    I’m at a loss for words now…

    • ria

      Oh my goodness, I don’t know what to say. ha, I make myself laugh because that is all people have been saying to me this past few days too.

      I too felt that way, but as you probably have seen in another post, 2 weeks with his family in India put an end to that, reality was just too much. See, in the UK the idea of being a housewife, bringing up kids, cooking food, well to me it sounds fabulous, I love all that, but in India, well, you’re not a yummy mummy, you’re a slave (he even told his dad that, but i’ll share that stroy another day) and we’re worth more than that.

      I really really hope your story has a different ending to mine hun, I really do, and just because mine didn’t work out, doesn’t mean yours wont. One thing I have learnt that is you can’t give up until you feel completely sure, or you will only spend your life wondering ‘what if..?’.

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