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One week on

A week ago he was married.

There have been tears, there has been pain, there has been nothing at all at times. It’s been a roller coaster at the best of times.

For a few days there was no contact –  I had nothing to say to him and could only assume her was pre-occupied. Then I lost it. I went on to Facebook to see if any of our mutual friends – well, friends I had met through him, had any clues as to what was going on, only to find that his two closest friends – had blocked me and the other de-friended me – Babu had already removed me – most likely in the quest to hide my assistance.  I went ape, I wrote him a really long email saying how it is so unnecessary to make his friends do that, how i feel betrayed, lied to, that he must have know all along and that he is covering his tracks etc etc ect….. when I don’t get answers, I fill in the gaps myself you see.

Almost a day later I get a very offended message, he maintains he didn’t know properly until a few days before. But the deed was done, he was married. And he was a good little husband performing the ‘formalities’ of that as he put it. the thought sickens me even now. He tells me that he felt pressured to do that as it is what he was ‘supposed’ to do it, he hasn’t been near her since but the deed it done and there’s no going back on that.

I swore at him a lot that day, and the man who wouldn’t usually tolerate an ounce of it, took it all on the nose, I’ve never said ‘f**k you’ to any one, especially the amount of times I said it to him that day, in hindsight it was harsh, but it was how I was feeling.

On Christmas day I woke up to missed calls, video calls, voicemail and messages. I want expecting to hear from him at all, and oh boy it hit me. He wanted to wish me merry Christmas, in a way i felt relieved that he was thinking of me because before that I was feeling like I had been dropped like a hot potato, that perhaps I was nothing at all to him – your mind plays nasty tricks on you when you’re in a bad place. He had tried me at 4.30 that morning then 4 hours later without a reply and he was getting worried, I replied when I woke up.

So on Christmas day I learnt a little more. I can’t remember if I wrote about how he was due to have some land signed over to him? It was owned by his dad and his uncles, and they were splitting it up to make it’s management easier.  So last week he went to their village to sign the papers. Only it has since transpired these were marriage documents. He didn’t look, like most of us do so often, he just signed. It was then that I began to see that it wasn’t so much that he felt ‘obliged’ to be married, more he was forced.

He contacted me again today, today I have learnt that he did not meet her until they were married, ie they were not present in the room together, and I have since looked into it and found that officially the papers should be signed in front of 3 witnesses – this didn’t happen from what I can gather. marriage isn’t legitimate, but I haven’t yet had the opportunity to tell him this.

I asked if he had met her parents – surely they had met him and approved him first? No.  as I said before, she was just brought to his house and presented to him as his wife. Now I know I’m not as clued up on culture as others may be but even I know that’s not right. No self-respecting family would marry off their daughter to a boy they had never met surely? And more so in a quick clandestine marriage rather then showing it off with all the pomp and circumstance of a Hindu ceremony? There has to be more to it, a secret? perhaps she has brought shame to her family and needed a quick solution – that with his parents needing to marry him off to gain a housemaid quickly before he went back to work it must have been a marriage of convenience. Sorry… I should say ‘Marriage’.

Anyway, he told me he is due to meet her parents at their house on Wednesday, I have my suspicions that a Hindu ceremony might take place that day.

But him, well, it’s becoming clearer every time that I speak to him that he isn’t facing the reality as easy as he thought. I think he thought that he could do his duty as his parents wish and try and get on with it, the reality is a bit different. He sounds lost,  he’s lonely – he’s avoiding her, and avoiding his family – He thought the world of his family but I feel this time they have taken it a bit too far. All he told me is he just wants to get away from there. I told him he can’t work away forever, and that if that’s to continue to be his reality he must face it, or take action. He said he just needs to get away back to work and then make a plan. When I tell him he has options, he’s not telling of his loyalty to his parents any more.

What has happened has hurt me immensely, and please don’t take the above as me having hope for us, I’m near enough to accepting that there is no hope for us together, yet I can’t still stand by and watch this happening to him so I will still do everything I can to offer him the help and support he needs to get out of it, if he wants to.

I have contacted a charity for advice, Karma Nirvana, they can be contacted via their website or directly on 0800 5999 247. I want to be in a position where I can help him get he advice he needs if he wants it. If that is the case I’m really hoping his employer will be able to help him as well, he will be back for 9 months. Lets hope that one time he did that that it didn’t make a new little life hey, babies should be born through love.

So that’s the story in brief so far.

Me… well with the support of my very supportive managers at work – I will be seeking out some counselling to help me learn to deal with what has happened and to learn to accept and move on.

I’ll keep in touch and update soon for sure.

Lots of love and many thanks for all of the lovely support and messages I have received from so many of you recently.

And if I’m not back before, have a happy new year

R x

 

I’ve been doing a bit of research, find information and help here 

 

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2 responses to “One week on

  • Lauren (English Wife, Indian Life)

    My heart is so heavy for you darling. Sending you all the love I can!!!!

    Having been in a civil marriage in India myself, I can tell you that you need to both say vows (I take * to be my lawful husband) three times infront of a judge and there needs to be three witnesses. I am not expert but it doesn’t sound legitimate at all! Also, the marriage certifcate you have to sign has both your photographs on it and you have to sign the photographs whilst they are on the certificate.

    It is possible to have an arranged marriage without the parents meeting the girl, it happened to my friend. Only his uncle met her before the ceremony. I was so shocked but it does happen :(. This couple hasn’t had their legal marriage yet… I have been made to believe that it’s usually done months afterwards.

    Oh darling, sending you a huge hug and lots of love and strength!

    I am glad you have supportive people around you. Lots of love xx

    • ria

      Wow that’s interesting…. Since I was wondering that since I’m pretty sure this isn’t legitimate (baring in mind the power a bribe may have, that’s the only way I could imagine it might be ) whether he isn’t in fact married at all…. I didn’t realise that could actually happen but you’ve opened my eyes on that one… Though he was due to meet her parents yesterday and I’ve a feeling a hindu ceremony might have happened…. Just hoping if that’s the case that they don’t get him signing legitimate papers for that since I read the procedure for legalising that way of things and I could see how that could happen.

      Thanks so much for the info, it’ll make things easier for me to explain to him when I finally manage contact again… (I missed his calls twice today. Frustratingly).

      And thanks for the love, it means a lot xx

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