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Feelings

I’ve been fighting a battle with myself, and only yesterday did I admit defeat, I admitted to myself that I do love him still, and you know what? That’s OK. Because our relationship came to quite an abrupt end and feelings just don’t go away in a blink of an eye, and with recent news, and so little communication, it’ll take a while to find closure.

He has to travel to Mumbai for his medical this week, he is staying with a close friend of whom he used to rent a room from, I met her when I was there last year, sweet girl. This got me thinking about how much his ‘wife’ does not have, apart from illegitimate marriage papers and a new family home.

…you see… I know him, I know his friends, I’ve met more of his family than she has, I know his shoe size, his jeans size, I know which brand of razor he prefers, which toothpaste he buys. I know stories of his childhood, he knows mine, he knows my family, he loves my pets as I do, I know what food he likes, I know his favourite restaurant in Lanzarote, what he likes to watch on TV, I know his daily routine, I know how he pronounces ‘sh’ instead of ‘s’ which is always hilarious when he offers you to ‘sit here’ ….she doesn’t have that.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and just because this woman has been forced into his life, it shouldn’t belittle what we have…or had….it was real, we took years to grow and understand each other so deeply. I mustn’t convince myself otherwise. He might choose to stick with it, with her, even if he doesn’t, who knows what the future holds, but I am learning, day by day, that I mustn’t let this anonymous woman, and those people who call themselves parents, take what we had away. I existed in his life, and I do still exist out of it.

Now I just need to learn to accept it… whatever ‘it’ is

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