And so after all the shouting and screaming and crying, and a couple of days apart, we met up and had sensible talks.
He said it would be best for both of us if we cease any contact for a couple of months, to try and get used to the situation, to help me move on….
…That lasted no more than a few hours…. His reason? He ‘couldn’t help himself’ then again a few hours later, and pretty much every time he has had any sort of Internet signal since….perhaps even more than back when things were ok and normal with us. But why? He made his choice.
His mind is still made up, he has read the things I gave him and his life is still ‘taking care of his family’ he will ‘stay a victim and in misery for their happiness’ he ‘can’t help it, it has been taught from childhood’ … His words.
I asked him, what does he want from me? ‘nothing, a good friend’ he replied. I hate injustice, people being wronged, and what sort of ‘good friend’ could I ever be by standing by, watching him make a complete mess of his life. Living in complete misery for the sake of those who put him in the misery? Or is that just normal in India, is that just life?
I know it’s a lost cause, any time I do spend pondering, researching or talking about this is time wasted, this man I cared for so much is a coward, and an abuse Victoria. And unfortunately he will most likely see that this sort of unacceptable behaviour will continue for at least another generation.
Me? Well I need to learn to let go, or at least begin to feel better, find a new focus, before I lose all tolerance for him, because I don’t want another one of those names who aren’t mentioned in my past, I alreasy have 11 years blotted from my memory, I don’t want 4 more.
And so I need to focus on accepting a situation that is out of my control, and if we’re honest, was probably never in my control, was I oblivious? Or simply optimistic? Stupid? I don’t know, I really don’t know, I just know I was an idiot to think I was capable of changing the world!
Today marks 4 years since we first met. Not that 4 years means a thing, happy anniversary Babu…. To You and your wife… 4 months together….
And so everything I believed in the world is turned on its head. Wish me luck.