A hard pill to swallow.

And so after all the shouting and  screaming and crying, and a couple of days apart,  we met up and had sensible talks. 

He said it would be best for both of us if we cease any contact for a couple of months,  to try and get used to the situation,  to help me move on….

…That lasted no more than a few hours…. His reason? He ‘couldn’t help himself’  then again a few hours later,  and pretty much every time he has had any sort of Internet signal since….perhaps even more than back when things were ok and normal with us.  But why? He made his choice. 

His mind is still made up,  he has read the things I gave him and his life is still ‘taking care of his family’  he will ‘stay a victim and in misery for their happiness’ he ‘can’t help it,  it has been taught from childhood’ … His words.

I asked him,  what does he want from me?  ‘nothing,  a good friend’  he replied.  I hate injustice,  people being wronged,  and what sort of ‘good friend’  could I ever be by standing by,  watching him make a complete mess of his life.  Living in complete misery for the sake of those who put him in the misery? Or is that just normal in India,  is that just life?

I know it’s a lost cause,  any time I do spend pondering, researching or talking about this is time wasted, this man I cared for so much is a coward, and an abuse Victoria. And unfortunately he will most likely see that this sort of unacceptable behaviour will continue for at least another generation. 

Me? Well I need to learn to let go, or at least begin to feel better,  find a new focus, before I lose all tolerance for him,  because I don’t want another one of those names who aren’t mentioned in my past, I alreasy have 11 years blotted from my memory, I don’t want 4 more.

And so I need to focus on accepting a situation that is out of my control,  and if we’re honest, was probably never in my control, was I oblivious? Or simply optimistic? Stupid? I don’t know,  I really don’t know,  I just know I was an idiot to think I was capable of changing the world!

Today marks 4 years since we first met. Not that 4 years means a thing,  happy anniversary Babu…. To You and your wife… 4 months together….

And so everything I believed in the world is turned on its head.  Wish me luck. 


4 responses to “A hard pill to swallow.

  • Archana


    My sincere advice for you is to stop being in contact with him. Travel, learn, take counseling, blog, paint, knit, or do anything but stop thinking about the past especially him. No matter how he or you justify the situation he is in, it was his choice. I do not think he was abused or anything.(or well I do not know all the facts of his situation.) Honestly, the only person I truly feel sorry is the woman who got married to him. He is a coward if anything. You need to stop being his support system. He is only taking advantage of you.

    Most probably babu will end up doing the same things to his kids as did babu’s parents to him. It’s a cycle and only those who have self respect and strong will can get out of it.

    You are a strong woman, kind at heart and loving. Trust me you will have your happy ending and happy ever after. Stay strong and do not let one person or a couple of people influence you to judge a billion people.

    I have read a couple of your blog post and took the liberty to comment.

    Wish you the best,

  • Mileska

    In my opinion, I think you’ve done what you can. You gave him that information and he’s not really using it to his benefit by continuing to go with what his parents want. From my prior experience this is how it is with some Indian familes. My ex’s father used him as free labor for his store here and took all kinds of credit out using his name. My ex always felt that he had to support his family which I get but one has to take care of themselves at a certain point. You chose the word coward and sadly he is. My ex definitely was and when I grew to see our relationship was never going to progress to a real future I had to end it. I don’t regret the 5 years we spent together. I learnt more about myself and what I deserve.
    I hope you feel that way in time as well. From your writing you are a good person and not saying Babu is a bad one he just wasn’t what you deserved and he didn’t fight his family to be what you deserved.
    True it’s easier said than done but please don’t spend your days and nights thinking on this more than you need to. Focus on yourself and your future.

  • Love on the Beach

    I think you deserve better and he cannot expect to lean on you for support when he has put you in a terrible situation. Take your space from him and give yourself time to move on. He has made his choice now and you don’t owe him any kind of friendship.

  • Rea

    Ria…Please please please run away from this babu guy. This guy is taking complete advantage of your goodness and kindness. Some people tend to see good people as weak people and try to take advantage of them with their sob stories, and meekness. I do not believe for a second that the babu guy has gone through the kind of abuse he is telling you. Of course there would have been fights, threats from parents that they will kill themselves and his sister but there would never have been a threat they would kill him. He would also know that they were mere threats. He is making up stories to your western mind when he told you that he had to get married to save his sisters life or his life or his parents life. The fact of the matter is he is coward, he took the easy way out and married according to his families low standards. That’s a choice he made and we can all agree to let him be in his sick little world.

    But what he is doing now is trying to maintain a relationship with you (I am sure this includes physical) professing his victim-hood and enjoying his victim back home while at home. The depth of characterlessness this guy conveys is amazing. You have to be happy you are out of this. Just imagine how your life would have been if you were to be in this bloody cowardy and characterless persons life. The niceness you have experienced with him all this while is mere meekness and eager to please others attitude which he just projected on you. He is not good guy by any standards he is just a meek and bad person who will propagate worst human behavior by acting helpless.

    There is no fight left to fight. He is married. If you understood Indian world at all, that married status will remain unchanged. He wife will be oblivious to all this, and will serve him hand and foot, and a year later will be pregnant with his child. If you follow your heart with him, you will be broken to pieces. He will walk away again with more sob stories.

    Please leave this scum behind and reclaim your life. You are only 30 years, beautiful, and has a bright future ahead of you. If you have the need to have people around during this phase to help heal your heart please join any nearby Indian satsang. One group that I felt at home with at a different point in my life was ramachandra mission. Mostly the people are good and genuine. Satsangs and interactions there will make you feel connected to your self. You can Google “Shri Ram Chandra Mission” to find out more. I am sure they have a center in UK.

    If its any help, I am a south indian telugu girl that currently lives united states. I truly hope you heal your heart, reclaim your life, and find someone who deserves you.


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