Every time he was here, the sun came out. This not some metaphor or romantic notion, it is fact, perhaps some work of the Gods, but the weather was always bright whenever he came. Until today.
I’m not one for paying attention to the weather forecast, most likely the reason I am often found in completely non-weather-appropriate clothes, I think interest in the forecast is something that comes with age. But my parents would always chat about it, and there became a running joke, not just between me and him, but also with my parents eventually, that we needn’t worry about the weather this weekend when he’s in port, it’ll be sunny. it always is.
But today is different, it is grey and drizzly, the sun, bless it, is still there trying to break through, and it does occasionally through a crack in the clouds, but ultimately today is not like the rest. For today may just have been the end, the last time we ever see each other.
Circumstances mean that it is quite likely that he will be going home this week, perhaps Monday, forever. And so I made the effort to go over to the port to see him.
A lot of time has passed, its now officially a year since we were last in each others company as a happy, normal (well, for us), couple, in a relationship, without knowledge of the storm that was about to erupt over us. I do have regrets about that day, I didn’t wait with him for as long as I usually would at the airport – I didn’t want to go into the next hour of parking – something I now know denied us some minutes more of our final moments as, well, us.
I feel I am moving on, I no longer feel the need for him in my future, I guess that is acceptance that I won’t change what has happened and what will be. But at the same time I find myself today, utterly utterly upset, bereft, mourning what was, and what will never be again.
Mourning for myself, and feeling his sadness. Looking in his eyes I could see it, and being in his company I could still feel his unconditional love for me. I have grown and changed so much in the 5 years since we met, but he loved every incarnation of me. For that, I am grateful, I am grateful for both of us that no matter what happens in the future we can both know we have been loved.
The pain will fade, it already has, but much like the death of a loved one, you learn to cope with it, and life get easier, but it doesn’t make the loss any less. And sometimes, it just comes back and whacks you around the head, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
I wish him the best, I wish him happiness, I still believe were meant to be together, we just misunderstood by thinking that was supposed to be forever. I hope he can learn to love the woman he has been given and that she can forgive him for for not being hers at the start of their marriage, and be gentle to his feelings and the difficulty he is having adapting to his fate.
Me, well, I’m working a lot and travelling when I can, I will see where life leads me next.
Lots of Love