Advertisements

Category Archives: Parents and Elders

The post that never was…

When I was in India staying at babu’s parent’s house I wrote a post, but never published it, as although I’m pretty sure he didn’t remember I had this blog, I didn’t want him seeing it and I guess I didn’t want to put what I was saying out there, or perhaps for me it just made it all a bit too real.

I stumbled across this again today so thought I would share. Now knowing how the situation turned out – just as we had thought – I can see I spent too much time filled with false hope. But hey, hindsight is 20/20!

“I can’t say that any time in the last 3 years whilst away on holiday that I ever feel ready to go home, I know most people just get to a point where they are ready, I never did. Until now.

I’m sorry to say that I just want to go home. I feel completely isolated and lonely. At the beginning babu tried his best to translate most things, but after several days this wore thin on him, and I find myself in what I almost my 3rd day if complete isolation.

By isolation, I don’t mean I am alone, there are currently 5 people here… 5 people speaking Oriya all the time. I had a few historical facts conferred to me whilst visiting the sun temple yesterday, and I get told “wash your hands” “khaana” “pani” but that’s pretty much where it ends. 

When with his family Babu is a man of very few words towards me, and it’s not helping.

The only thing his dad said to me today was not to step over babu’s legs, a reprimand, not given in a harsh way but a reprimand none the less.

Yesterday I was put in front of the tv and the only English Channel switched on. This morning the same. I’m not a toddler and I’m not the sort of person who often watches tv either.

His dad speaks English, but struggles a little, I think he finds it hard, his sister did, during her education but has since lost all ability, his mum, none at all.

I have 5 more days to ride out here.

I now find myself isolating myself more and more, I don’t want to,  but I feel awkward, I don’t feel comfortable sitting with his family when I can’t understand what is going on at all. I’ve tried it, but when I here my name or a glance is made towards be when they are laughing I can’t help but feel paranoid. I am currently sat on the roof.

I don’t wish to talk about what this means for the future, I think this is something for babu and I to discuss, I just thank god that I didn’t gather my belongings, and emigrate into this life completely blind.

5 more days…. Maybe something will change.. Likely not… But need to stay positive.

Until then…..

Location:India

I’ll update you guys soon on how my life is moving on and changing, until then, love to all

R x

Advertisements

Misplaced Loyalty Toward Hurtful Parents

Misplaced Loyalty Toward Hurtful Parents.

The above article has helped me in my understanding of the situation.

Sadly Babu has decided he has to do whatever it takes to ensure his parents are happy. His parents who have abused him, threatened his life, and locked him away without food for days on end. It’s hard to swallow, and extremely difficult to understand, however before judging, please read this article – by identifying this as an abusive situation, and the relationship a victim has with their abuser, it is easier to fathom, yet never acceptable.

I have left him with a folder of information, contacts, and this article, there’s sadly not much more I can for him. I can’t cut him off, I love him a lot, and him me, but for now it is best for both of us that we keep a degree of distance.

I turned 30 this week, I’m not exactly where I thought I would be in life right now, but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger?

And if you’re reading this, thanks for coming back after the blog being switched off for a while, I hope you can understand my reasons for having to do that.


One week on

A week ago he was married.

There have been tears, there has been pain, there has been nothing at all at times. It’s been a roller coaster at the best of times.

For a few days there was no contact –  I had nothing to say to him and could only assume her was pre-occupied. Then I lost it. I went on to Facebook to see if any of our mutual friends – well, friends I had met through him, had any clues as to what was going on, only to find that his two closest friends – had blocked me and the other de-friended me – Babu had already removed me – most likely in the quest to hide my assistance.  I went ape, I wrote him a really long email saying how it is so unnecessary to make his friends do that, how i feel betrayed, lied to, that he must have know all along and that he is covering his tracks etc etc ect….. when I don’t get answers, I fill in the gaps myself you see.

Almost a day later I get a very offended message, he maintains he didn’t know properly until a few days before. But the deed was done, he was married. And he was a good little husband performing the ‘formalities’ of that as he put it. the thought sickens me even now. He tells me that he felt pressured to do that as it is what he was ‘supposed’ to do it, he hasn’t been near her since but the deed it done and there’s no going back on that.

I swore at him a lot that day, and the man who wouldn’t usually tolerate an ounce of it, took it all on the nose, I’ve never said ‘f**k you’ to any one, especially the amount of times I said it to him that day, in hindsight it was harsh, but it was how I was feeling.

On Christmas day I woke up to missed calls, video calls, voicemail and messages. I want expecting to hear from him at all, and oh boy it hit me. He wanted to wish me merry Christmas, in a way i felt relieved that he was thinking of me because before that I was feeling like I had been dropped like a hot potato, that perhaps I was nothing at all to him – your mind plays nasty tricks on you when you’re in a bad place. He had tried me at 4.30 that morning then 4 hours later without a reply and he was getting worried, I replied when I woke up.

So on Christmas day I learnt a little more. I can’t remember if I wrote about how he was due to have some land signed over to him? It was owned by his dad and his uncles, and they were splitting it up to make it’s management easier.  So last week he went to their village to sign the papers. Only it has since transpired these were marriage documents. He didn’t look, like most of us do so often, he just signed. It was then that I began to see that it wasn’t so much that he felt ‘obliged’ to be married, more he was forced.

He contacted me again today, today I have learnt that he did not meet her until they were married, ie they were not present in the room together, and I have since looked into it and found that officially the papers should be signed in front of 3 witnesses – this didn’t happen from what I can gather. marriage isn’t legitimate, but I haven’t yet had the opportunity to tell him this.

I asked if he had met her parents – surely they had met him and approved him first? No.  as I said before, she was just brought to his house and presented to him as his wife. Now I know I’m not as clued up on culture as others may be but even I know that’s not right. No self-respecting family would marry off their daughter to a boy they had never met surely? And more so in a quick clandestine marriage rather then showing it off with all the pomp and circumstance of a Hindu ceremony? There has to be more to it, a secret? perhaps she has brought shame to her family and needed a quick solution – that with his parents needing to marry him off to gain a housemaid quickly before he went back to work it must have been a marriage of convenience. Sorry… I should say ‘Marriage’.

Anyway, he told me he is due to meet her parents at their house on Wednesday, I have my suspicions that a Hindu ceremony might take place that day.

But him, well, it’s becoming clearer every time that I speak to him that he isn’t facing the reality as easy as he thought. I think he thought that he could do his duty as his parents wish and try and get on with it, the reality is a bit different. He sounds lost,  he’s lonely – he’s avoiding her, and avoiding his family – He thought the world of his family but I feel this time they have taken it a bit too far. All he told me is he just wants to get away from there. I told him he can’t work away forever, and that if that’s to continue to be his reality he must face it, or take action. He said he just needs to get away back to work and then make a plan. When I tell him he has options, he’s not telling of his loyalty to his parents any more.

What has happened has hurt me immensely, and please don’t take the above as me having hope for us, I’m near enough to accepting that there is no hope for us together, yet I can’t still stand by and watch this happening to him so I will still do everything I can to offer him the help and support he needs to get out of it, if he wants to.

I have contacted a charity for advice, Karma Nirvana, they can be contacted via their website or directly on 0800 5999 247. I want to be in a position where I can help him get he advice he needs if he wants it. If that is the case I’m really hoping his employer will be able to help him as well, he will be back for 9 months. Lets hope that one time he did that that it didn’t make a new little life hey, babies should be born through love.

So that’s the story in brief so far.

Me… well with the support of my very supportive managers at work – I will be seeking out some counselling to help me learn to deal with what has happened and to learn to accept and move on.

I’ll keep in touch and update soon for sure.

Lots of love and many thanks for all of the lovely support and messages I have received from so many of you recently.

And if I’m not back before, have a happy new year

R x

 

I’ve been doing a bit of research, find information and help here 

 


Happily never after

This is probably too early to write this as I don’t yet have closure, but my story started here and so it must also end here.

I am really really sad to be writing this post, but this is life, and maybe it will help me, and even if it doesn’t help me it might help someone else out there not to feel alone in this situation.

Babu spoke to his dad. much earlier than planned, in fact only a couple of months into his leave. – Maybe the time felt right, I don’t know fully as we still struggle to discuss any of it at the moment. He asked his dad if he can marry me. His dad asked if I would live there, he replied no (see this post about why) and then he didn’t say much, in fact he got up and left Babu, and all he could say as he left is pleas give us an answer this week dad.  The answer never came, well, so I thought. For a month, maybe 2 I just assumed the conversation had just been brushed to the side, that they were pretending it hadn’t happened and were carrying on. Well, in the little I do know, I now know this is far from the truth. I know there have been arguments, I know Babu has locked himself away for days going without food so to avoid them. I know that the two times he stayed at a friends the other week weren’t just a social visit.  That’s pretty much all I do know, is that they have had this argument many times, and that they want an Indian girl to stay there and look after them, cook for them, clean for them, care for their general needs, something they can’t get from me.

Honestly, it wasn’t like it was something we completely expected, he mentioned they had been praising me highly in the days before the question was asked – I guess that’s why he thought it a good time to ask maybe – they had accepted me into their home for two weeks last year, they had even sent me gifts (or so I was told).

But no. I asked Babu what they had said, and he told me that they have told him they know best and that he should marry someone of their choosing and forget me, it’s for the best, Apparently.

And so since that day he has still been trying, arguing, failing.

I haven’t been dealing well with the situation, I was diagnosed with depression a few months ago, and my stress eating is so out of control I am almost back to where I was before my fabulous weight loss a while back.

So what now. He seems to be accepting it. but the part I can’t grasp (and probably never will) is that he is VERY unhappy there, he’s spent so many years away from India, away from his family that he has almost (for want of a better word) outgrown it all, he doesn’t fit any more. But despite this, because his culture, his family, his upbringing, religion, I don’t know, but because of something he will accept being unhappy and a future he doesn’t want if it makes his parents happy. End of.

He thinks he has overheard them discussing his marriage, although they have yet to openly discuss anything with him directly, but he feels his time is limited, and so is mine with him.

So, it came to breaking point, no, came to breaking point, I have been having panic attacks, and at dangerous times such as being on the road, and this simply cannot continue like this.

The other night we had a very frank discussion and he told me that whatever he wants or feels doesn’t matter, that he will out his life down for his parents, and if they say to marry someone, he does. The worst part? He loves me, he REALLY loves me, no-one has loved me in the way he does, or cared for me, my welfare or anything like he does, never. And I’ve had 2 relationships that showed me that. But of course he could love me to the stars and back, but Mum and Dad, will always come first. ALWAYS.  He realises now I need closure, and so on Friday he decided, for his peace of mind that he needs to give it one last push, one last chance and ask his dad again, we know the answer, but he felt he needed to do it, so there isn’t that niggling feeling, that what if…? And so, we decided not to speak until a time I was in a position where I was openly able to be upset, I don’t want to be 2 hours away from home when the inevitable happens. The question was supposed to be asked yesterday, and tomorrow my horoscope will be read to me.

It’s now almost 4 days since we last spoke and I’m struggling, but I’ll need to learn to accept this is how it will be as time goes on. We wan’t to remain friends but that will also take time as I’ve never turned love into friendship before, and it’s something in my current state that I can’t grasp.

So there we go, the penultimate part of my story.

I feel a little stupid. But when I told him this he told me even he didn’t expect this outcome, he thought his parents were more forward thinking, and well, less selfish.

We’ve had a beautiful, fun, exciting, adventurous, loving, passionate relationship for 4 years, and I am grateful for the happy times that brought, the memories we made, the love we shared. I’t now that I am very, very sad that that it won’t continue.

My Babu. I love you. I feel I always will. Only time can heal.

And so i’ll finish with some song lyrics that give me comfort. From the musical Wicked, an excerpt from the song For Good.

Rx

I’ve heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you’ll have rewritten mine
By being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better
But because I knew you…

Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good.


After India

20131202-200145.jpg

Just over two months ago I set off on a journey, that unbeknown to be, would potentially change everything.

I have loads to share with you about my trip to India, and I will in time, again the combination of intense work and lack of computer don’t exactly make blogging easy for me right now, but it will come.

But what it boils down to is that unfortunately staying in India is no longer an option for me. I found it tremendously difficult being there, until I went, I had been open to the idea, and even willing to make big sacrifices and adapt, but this was too far for me. In the two weeks I spent in Babu’s house I experienced complete isolation and lonelines, no a reflection of his family in any way but a reflection of circumstance.

Continue reading


%d bloggers like this: