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Tag Archives: arranged marriage

The post that never was…

When I was in India staying at babu’s parent’s house I wrote a post, but never published it, as although I’m pretty sure he didn’t remember I had this blog, I didn’t want him seeing it and I guess I didn’t want to put what I was saying out there, or perhaps for me it just made it all a bit too real.

I stumbled across this again today so thought I would share. Now knowing how the situation turned out – just as we had thought – I can see I spent too much time filled with false hope. But hey, hindsight is 20/20!

“I can’t say that any time in the last 3 years whilst away on holiday that I ever feel ready to go home, I know most people just get to a point where they are ready, I never did. Until now.

I’m sorry to say that I just want to go home. I feel completely isolated and lonely. At the beginning babu tried his best to translate most things, but after several days this wore thin on him, and I find myself in what I almost my 3rd day if complete isolation.

By isolation, I don’t mean I am alone, there are currently 5 people here… 5 people speaking Oriya all the time. I had a few historical facts conferred to me whilst visiting the sun temple yesterday, and I get told “wash your hands” “khaana” “pani” but that’s pretty much where it ends. 

When with his family Babu is a man of very few words towards me, and it’s not helping.

The only thing his dad said to me today was not to step over babu’s legs, a reprimand, not given in a harsh way but a reprimand none the less.

Yesterday I was put in front of the tv and the only English Channel switched on. This morning the same. I’m not a toddler and I’m not the sort of person who often watches tv either.

His dad speaks English, but struggles a little, I think he finds it hard, his sister did, during her education but has since lost all ability, his mum, none at all.

I have 5 more days to ride out here.

I now find myself isolating myself more and more, I don’t want to,  but I feel awkward, I don’t feel comfortable sitting with his family when I can’t understand what is going on at all. I’ve tried it, but when I here my name or a glance is made towards be when they are laughing I can’t help but feel paranoid. I am currently sat on the roof.

I don’t wish to talk about what this means for the future, I think this is something for babu and I to discuss, I just thank god that I didn’t gather my belongings, and emigrate into this life completely blind.

5 more days…. Maybe something will change.. Likely not… But need to stay positive.

Until then…..

Location:India

I’ll update you guys soon on how my life is moving on and changing, until then, love to all

R x

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Time to say goodbye

Every time he was here, the sun came out. This not some metaphor or romantic notion, it is fact, perhaps some work of the Gods, but the weather was always bright whenever he came. Until today.

I’m not one for paying attention to the weather forecast, most likely the reason I am often found in completely non-weather-appropriate clothes, I think interest in the forecast is something that comes with age. But my parents would always chat about it, and there became a running joke, not just between me and him, but also with my parents eventually, that we needn’t worry about the weather this weekend when he’s in port, it’ll be sunny. it always is.

But today is different, it is grey and drizzly, the sun, bless it, is still there trying to break through, and it does occasionally through a crack in the clouds, but ultimately today is not like the rest. For today may just have been the end, the last time we ever see each other. Continue reading


Happily never after

This is probably too early to write this as I don’t yet have closure, but my story started here and so it must also end here.

I am really really sad to be writing this post, but this is life, and maybe it will help me, and even if it doesn’t help me it might help someone else out there not to feel alone in this situation.

Babu spoke to his dad. much earlier than planned, in fact only a couple of months into his leave. – Maybe the time felt right, I don’t know fully as we still struggle to discuss any of it at the moment. He asked his dad if he can marry me. His dad asked if I would live there, he replied no (see this post about why) and then he didn’t say much, in fact he got up and left Babu, and all he could say as he left is pleas give us an answer this week dad.  The answer never came, well, so I thought. For a month, maybe 2 I just assumed the conversation had just been brushed to the side, that they were pretending it hadn’t happened and were carrying on. Well, in the little I do know, I now know this is far from the truth. I know there have been arguments, I know Babu has locked himself away for days going without food so to avoid them. I know that the two times he stayed at a friends the other week weren’t just a social visit.  That’s pretty much all I do know, is that they have had this argument many times, and that they want an Indian girl to stay there and look after them, cook for them, clean for them, care for their general needs, something they can’t get from me.

Honestly, it wasn’t like it was something we completely expected, he mentioned they had been praising me highly in the days before the question was asked – I guess that’s why he thought it a good time to ask maybe – they had accepted me into their home for two weeks last year, they had even sent me gifts (or so I was told).

But no. I asked Babu what they had said, and he told me that they have told him they know best and that he should marry someone of their choosing and forget me, it’s for the best, Apparently.

And so since that day he has still been trying, arguing, failing.

I haven’t been dealing well with the situation, I was diagnosed with depression a few months ago, and my stress eating is so out of control I am almost back to where I was before my fabulous weight loss a while back.

So what now. He seems to be accepting it. but the part I can’t grasp (and probably never will) is that he is VERY unhappy there, he’s spent so many years away from India, away from his family that he has almost (for want of a better word) outgrown it all, he doesn’t fit any more. But despite this, because his culture, his family, his upbringing, religion, I don’t know, but because of something he will accept being unhappy and a future he doesn’t want if it makes his parents happy. End of.

He thinks he has overheard them discussing his marriage, although they have yet to openly discuss anything with him directly, but he feels his time is limited, and so is mine with him.

So, it came to breaking point, no, came to breaking point, I have been having panic attacks, and at dangerous times such as being on the road, and this simply cannot continue like this.

The other night we had a very frank discussion and he told me that whatever he wants or feels doesn’t matter, that he will out his life down for his parents, and if they say to marry someone, he does. The worst part? He loves me, he REALLY loves me, no-one has loved me in the way he does, or cared for me, my welfare or anything like he does, never. And I’ve had 2 relationships that showed me that. But of course he could love me to the stars and back, but Mum and Dad, will always come first. ALWAYS.  He realises now I need closure, and so on Friday he decided, for his peace of mind that he needs to give it one last push, one last chance and ask his dad again, we know the answer, but he felt he needed to do it, so there isn’t that niggling feeling, that what if…? And so, we decided not to speak until a time I was in a position where I was openly able to be upset, I don’t want to be 2 hours away from home when the inevitable happens. The question was supposed to be asked yesterday, and tomorrow my horoscope will be read to me.

It’s now almost 4 days since we last spoke and I’m struggling, but I’ll need to learn to accept this is how it will be as time goes on. We wan’t to remain friends but that will also take time as I’ve never turned love into friendship before, and it’s something in my current state that I can’t grasp.

So there we go, the penultimate part of my story.

I feel a little stupid. But when I told him this he told me even he didn’t expect this outcome, he thought his parents were more forward thinking, and well, less selfish.

We’ve had a beautiful, fun, exciting, adventurous, loving, passionate relationship for 4 years, and I am grateful for the happy times that brought, the memories we made, the love we shared. I’t now that I am very, very sad that that it won’t continue.

My Babu. I love you. I feel I always will. Only time can heal.

And so i’ll finish with some song lyrics that give me comfort. From the musical Wicked, an excerpt from the song For Good.

Rx

I’ve heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun,
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good.

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime.
So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you’ll have rewritten mine
By being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better
But because I knew you…

Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good.


Parental pressure

'Parents' photo (c) 2009, Harsha K R - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

Yesterday Babu messages me saying is dad wants to talk to me. Whhhhhhaaaatttt?

I’m good on the phone with strangers when it comes to business, but anything else is a whole other story!! Thankfully he didn’t put him on the phone, but he did tell me what he wants. He want to know (now) if we will be getting Married next year or not, so he can start looking for a bride if he needs to. Continue reading


Divorce

divorce cake

I have never entered into a relationship with the intention of that relationship coming to an end, that wouldn’t make sense, there’s no point having a relationship in the first place if that is the way you are thinking. But at the same time, having had two long relationships I freely accept that they do come to an end sometimes.

However, in both of the relationships I have had, I at least feel confident that I made every effort I could to try to keep them going. The first, he was a serial cheater, in hindsight I gave him way too many chances, about 3 years into our relationship he cheated and I found out, he ended the affair, we carried on, before then, and many times after then I had my suspicions, but put it down to paranoia. almost 7 years and an engagement later he was started sleeping with my childhood best friend who I had only recently re-kindled a relationship with, I even let this go and moved in with him on a promise it was all over, however his suspicious disappearances proved he couldn’t change, so on one very wet stormy night I left him and never looked back. So as far as that one was concerned I did put up with some pretty unacceptable behaviour, and perhaps if he had the maturity to be an a monogamous relationship things may have been different. Continue reading


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